By Brian WallaceEver heard someone described as having a “mean streak”? There are certain people that have more nefarious dispositions, which usually fall into the Dark Tetrad of personality types. This includes interconnected traits such as sadism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy, and narcissism. Narcissism is usually considered the least assuming of the four archetypes – after all, narcissists usually aren’t the ones responsible for crazy news stories like killing cats – but it can still be extremely damaging to deal with in any close setting. Narcissists are characterized by their extreme self-centeredness, even at the expense of others.
Signs of Narcissism
Typical manifestations include entitlement, a superiority complex over those around them, arrogance as a defining character trait, and a lack of empathy. Everyone has these traits to some degree or other, but narcissists take it to the extreme. Living with a narcissist can make their tendencies even more obvious. They can be poor communicators, show a complete disregard for personal boundaries, have control issues, keep secrets, and even be in competition with those in their circle. Children and spouses of narcissists can experience huge repercussions on their own mental health, such as low self esteem, distrust of others, and addictive habits. Some children even develop their own version of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) from being exposed to it at such an early age.
Types of Narcissism
Only 1% of people have been officially diagnosed with NPD, but it is estimated that the numbers are much higher. In fact, some experts estimate that one in six people have NPD, which would mean that there is nearly one in every household. However, narcissism doesn’t manifest in the exact same way for each person. There are five common types of narcissism.
Grandiose narcissists are often very charismatic and can be very successful. Vulnerable narcissists often have a victim mindset and are angry at how they perceive to be treated. Malignant narcissists are manipulative and unsympathetic to those in their lives. Communal narcissists like doing good deeds to get the praise of others, not out of genuine kindness. Finally, dark empaths are more subtle due to heightened emotional intelligence, and are able to blend in easier.
Know the Signs
It is important to know the signs of narcissism to know how to protect yourself from people with destructive behavior. Gaslighting is a common tactic, which involves trying to convince someone that something never happened, even when it clearly did. Blame shifting and playing the victim are other tactics a narcissist uses to avoid repercussions for their actions.
They usually exaggerate their achievements to inflate their sense of self importance and often take credit for other people’s efforts. They are prime to minimizing others feelings, especially when someone is trying to express they were hurt by a narcissist. However, narcissists sometimes use more subtle methods to get their way. This can include using charm or flattery to manipulate, or love bombing so someone becomes reliant on their affection to feel good about themselves.
Plan Your Escape
Sounds exhausting? It is. Many people suffer at the hands of the narcissists in their lives, especially in close relationships, such as being their children or spouses. Once someone finally decides they’ve had enough and want to separate themselves from the relationship, it is important to carefully think through their escape plan. The planning stage is essential to ensuring everything is carefully separated from the narcissist. For example, money needs to be moved into a separate account.
A new will needs to be written and bills need to be removed that aren’t in your name. Contact info needs to be newly created, such as new email addresses, phone numbers, and passwords. Life after the separation also needs to be carefully considered, including divorce procedures, child support and custody, and division of property. While it may be difficult, this planning stage should try to be carried out without altering the attention of the narcissist, or they may try to sabotage it.
It is important to be very methodical in this process. People are encouraged to keep a journal of incriminating incidents and supporting evidence of the physical or mental abuse they are facing. Finally, once it is time to take action, make sure to leave when the narcissist is not home. Family members or the authorities can be called to provide additional protection during this stage. If all goes well through patience and careful planning, a suffering family can finally be free of a draining and even dangerous person. It is not easy to take such drastic action, but the results can be well worth it.
Take Legal Action
For the spouses of people with NPD, moving out might only be the first step in separating themselves from their toxic behavior. Divorce is one surefire way to legally cement the end of their relationship, but it is often a costly and emotionally draining battle. Narcissists often treat the divorce process like a battle to be won, and are willing to fight tooth and nail to “win” the settlement. This can complicate issues such as custody, spousal support, and property division. Their self-centered nature drives them to use manipulation, intimidation, or delay tactics to try to wear down their spouses and ultimately gain what they want.
There are a few ways their destructive behavior manifests during divorce procedures. A narcissist will often refuse to disclose financial information by hiding their assets or failing to share required documents. They could also try to drag out the legal battle and wear down their ex-spouse by exhausting their resources, especially financially. Yet another method is to play the victim and fabricate stories to get sympathy from the court, friends, and family.
From the Experts
According to noted Canadian Family Law Expert Barry Nussbaum: “Don’t negotiate with a narcissist. At minimum, have your lawyer negotiate for you, and in many cases, court is the appropriate forum, as narcissists often will not listen to anyone but a judge.”
Conclusion
It’s a dangerous game to try to divorce a narcissist, and requires a similar level of planning required to leave them in the first place. Absolutely everything should be documented, from text messages to financial documents, because a narcissist will try to control the narrative to be in their favor as much as they can. It is also helpful to hire a lawyer that will be able to push the court process further, despite the narcissist’s attempts to delay it.
Divorce can be a long, complicated, and draining process, but again, this separation can be well worth it for a lifetime of freedom from controlling and selfish behavior.
Source: Nussbaum Law